I have regrets. When I look back on my life I see things that I would very much like to erase. Maybe it is stupid to dwell on past mistakes, and past premeditated bad actions, but I do that. Knowing it is wrong to dwell on my regrets is just one more thing I regret.
Most of the really big regrets have to do with my son, Ryan. He is 31 years old, now, never caused me any problems, everything he did impressed me, and he continues to be awesome. Perhaps it is because he was such a wonderful son that I feel extra special bad about stuff I did to him.
One of my big regrets has to do with the day he was baptized. We had been going to this little Disciples of Christ Christian Church and the pastor there had a series of classes to prepare the children in that group to be baptized.
Ryan went to the classes. He didn’t complain. The time rolled around when the baptisms were to take place. We got up, he got some clothes to be baptized in, a t-shirt and some shorts to go under the baptismal gown, and then the service was about to begin.
We looked around and there was no Ryan. People were looking around, mouthing the words, WHERE IS RYAN?
I got up and went to look for Ryan and found him standing in a back hallway. I told him he needed to get in there.
“I don’t want to,” Ryan said. “I’m not ready.”
I sure wouldn’t have forced him to be baptized if he’d said something earlier. But Ryan had waited until just before the baptisms were to take place. His name was printed in the program. Other people would wonder what was going on. People would ask why did this had not happen. I was afraid I would be embarrassed if we didn’t complete this process. Backing out at the last minute caused me to be afraid I would look like a bad dad.
Ryan said again, “But I’m not ready.” I could hear in his voice that he was stressed and hurt that I was making him do something he was not ready to do.
So, in order to avoid being a bad dad, I became a very bad dad. I insisted that he go through it.
If you believe in adult baptism, and believe that this act should be a personal commitment to God, then what good would it do to force someone to be baptized? If the initiate is not ready to commit then going through the motions is performance, not commitment.
I wonder what Ryan thought and felt that day?
• “My daddy cares more about how things look than about how I feel.”
• “This is embarrassing and stupid.”
• “If he really loved me, why would he make me do this even after I told him I was NOT READY?”
Why didn’t I side with my son? Why did I let HOW I thought things might look govern what I did? Why couldn’t I have honored Ryan above peer pressure?
I wish I could say this was the ONLY time I’d been such a damn fool, but, unfortunately my bungled efforts to be a father are many.
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