I’ve been seeing Psychiatrists, and therapists since 1982, I didn’t become depressed in 1982, however, that happened when I was much younger. I wrote a nonce sonnet about depression that I hoped would capture my earliest encounters with depression. The word nonce comes from the medieval expression for the nonce, meaning for the one time. Thus, a nonce word is a word used for a special circumstance only. So IF you are a sonnet zealot you will notice this sonnet does not follow any traditional form. A nonce sonnet would be a changed sonnet form created for one unique occasion.
Depression by tex norman
I first encountered you in ‘53.
I remember it was extremely hot,
and mama made me rest out summer’s heat.
I turned like a slab of sizzling meat
as I lay sweltering on my cot.
I’m wondering now why you selected me.
Where were you hiding in the room,
crouched in a closet, or under the bed?
Your attack was savagely complete,
and my resistance, easy to defeat.
You left me wishing that I were dead.
That’s when it happened, or so I now assume.
I turned into this melancholy baby,
a diaper full of crap, and I can’t change me.
Obviously this is a sonnet written by someone still depressed. After 56 years of depression and 27 years of therapy I have to wonder why I keep seeing mental health professionals. Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?
What is the goal of therapy for me. My hope would be that if I were to understand the goal of therapy that it might be a goal shared by others making my search of value to me and to others on a similar quest.
The depression I feel can be traced to defective parenting, perhaps some faulty DNA, and a weak will. My questions are as follows:
1. Is there a way out of this life long depression?
2. Is understanding the cause of depression in any way a healing discovery?
3. If there is a way out of my melancholy then is there a map that I can follow, and share with others?
Most of the therapists I have seen are hell bent on helping me understand the inevitability of human flaws. I tend to hate myself for being flawed, and I think other people are not flawed (or at least they are not as flawed as I am) I think, yeah, some people have problems and imperfections, but I am so flawed, so damaged that I am un-salvageable.
I am starting to think that maybe there is some value in my focusing on my flawedness, embracing my brokenness and living proudly and openly with my wounds. I know that this sounds odd, but real awareness comes only from truly accepting reality of me.
I had a shrink in Lakeland Florida named Frank Schultz.
He use to tell me that I was perfect. Saying something like that to someone as imperfect as me was an affront. Them’s fightin’ words. I have to argue with such reckless talk.
I think, however, that maybe it is our imperfections that make us perfect. This is an odd thought, I know, but maybe you can’t have perfection without imperfection. There are things about me that I literally hate. I don’t dislike these traits within me, I hate them with a murderous loathing that has, at times placed my life in jeopardy. What I’m starting to realize is that maybe these flaws in me serve a useful purpose. Yeah flaws are flaws, and flaws by definition are bad, but maybe I hate my flaws because I am looking at them in isolation. By itself, a flaw is just total imperfections, absolute badness. But if I were to view my flaws in contexts I might find out that my imperfections have some value.
This is really odd thinking, I know, but then, when you think about a subject for almost 60 years you’re bound to come up with some odd thinking from time to time.
I have been talking about resignation for awhile now. I’ve been focused on the implications that come from resigning myself to the life I have at this moment in time. The word resignation implies something negative. If you resign yourself to something, you have surrendered, given up, thrown in the towel, and this all seems negative, and hopeless. Negative and hopeless stuff seems like dangerous thinkin’ and feelin’ to a chronically depressed dude.
Perhaps a better word would be ACCEPTANCE. The goal of therapy is not to turn me into something perfect, nor is it to just throw my hands up and be a loser for the rest of my life. Maybe the goal of therapy is for me to accept me.
If I can accept me, all of me, warts and all, then I can be OK. If I can look at me and see the flaws and accept them, I can also use my acceptance to seek changes in my life.
Jung talked about our shadow selves, that all of us have a dark side. There is good in us, but for every good, there is a corresponding bad. If we ignore our dark side, it has a tendency to sneak up behind us and bite us right in the ass. But if you accept that you have a dark side, that you have these imperfections, you can also keep your eye on them, and nip negative stuff in the bud.
It is important to find a way to embrace me as I am, and to also embrace my need for change. This might be good for you as well. This seems like a contradiction. If I accept me as I am, then why would I embrace a need to change? If dishonest is one of my flaws, then why accept that? Who would want to be dishonest? But what I’m thinking now is that maybe you can’t accept yourself unless you also accept your need for change. I use to think a paradox was two doctors, but actually a paradox is something that seems false, but is actually true. You can’t accept yourself without accepting your need for change. On the other hand, you can’t change unless you accept yourself because without accepting yourself, all of your SELF you won’t be aware of what changes are needed.
My therapeutic goal is to accept myself, radically, and with gusto. My intention is to recognize that as imperfect as I am, I can hold my imperfections in check, while embracing my opportunities to change. Change is impossible without accepting all of me. In a sense I am not whole, not perfect, without accepting both my positives and my negatives.
I am guessing that when I accept myself, warts and all, flaws and all, I can also believe that these traits are not fixed and immutable. If I recognize my flaws, and really see my positive traits, and observe myself in the whole, in the gestalt, then I can also believe that change is possible. If I acknowledge the possibility that I can change then maybe I can actually change.
I also think I need to accept that all this is radical acceptance is a process of life, that it is a journey with no arrival point. My destination is always within me. If I can accept my imperfections while seeking perfection, if I can knowledge that no one actually gets there, but that anyone can get closer, then maybe this therapy stuff is valuable, and precious and something I am not yet ready to discard.
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha ~ Tara Brach
I think, however, that maybe it is our imperfections that make us perfect. This is an odd thought, I know, but maybe you can’t have perfection without imperfection. There are things about me that I literally hate. I don’t dislike these traits within me, I hate them with a murderous loathing that has, at times placed my life in jeopardy. What I’m starting to realize is that maybe these flaws in me serve a useful purpose. Yeah flaws are flaws, and flaws by definition are bad, but maybe I hate my flaws because I am looking at them in isolation. By itself, a flaw is just total imperfections, absolute badness. But if I were to view my flaws in contexts I might find out that my imperfections have some value.
This is really odd thinking, I know, but then, when you think about a subject for almost 60 years you’re bound to come up with some odd thinking from time to time.
I have been talking about resignation for awhile now. I’ve been focused on the implications that come from resigning myself to the life I have at this moment in time. The word resignation implies something negative. If you resign yourself to something, you have surrendered, given up, thrown in the towel, and this all seems negative, and hopeless. Negative and hopeless stuff seems like dangerous thinkin’ and feelin’ to a chronically depressed dude.
Perhaps a better word would be ACCEPTANCE. The goal of therapy is not to turn me into something perfect, nor is it to just throw my hands up and be a loser for the rest of my life. Maybe the goal of therapy is for me to accept me.
If I can accept me, all of me, warts and all, then I can be OK. If I can look at me and see the flaws and accept them, I can also use my acceptance to seek changes in my life.
Jung talked about our shadow selves, that all of us have a dark side. There is good in us, but for every good, there is a corresponding bad. If we ignore our dark side, it has a tendency to sneak up behind us and bite us right in the ass. But if you accept that you have a dark side, that you have these imperfections, you can also keep your eye on them, and nip negative stuff in the bud.
It is important to find a way to embrace me as I am, and to also embrace my need for change. This might be good for you as well. This seems like a contradiction. If I accept me as I am, then why would I embrace a need to change? If dishonest is one of my flaws, then why accept that? Who would want to be dishonest? But what I’m thinking now is that maybe you can’t accept yourself unless you also accept your need for change. I use to think a paradox was two doctors, but actually a paradox is something that seems false, but is actually true. You can’t accept yourself without accepting your need for change. On the other hand, you can’t change unless you accept yourself because without accepting yourself, all of your SELF you won’t be aware of what changes are needed.
My therapeutic goal is to accept myself, radically, and with gusto. My intention is to recognize that as imperfect as I am, I can hold my imperfections in check, while embracing my opportunities to change. Change is impossible without accepting all of me. In a sense I am not whole, not perfect, without accepting both my positives and my negatives.
I am guessing that when I accept myself, warts and all, flaws and all, I can also believe that these traits are not fixed and immutable. If I recognize my flaws, and really see my positive traits, and observe myself in the whole, in the gestalt, then I can also believe that change is possible. If I acknowledge the possibility that I can change then maybe I can actually change.
I also think I need to accept that all this is radical acceptance is a process of life, that it is a journey with no arrival point. My destination is always within me. If I can accept my imperfections while seeking perfection, if I can knowledge that no one actually gets there, but that anyone can get closer, then maybe this therapy stuff is valuable, and precious and something I am not yet ready to discard.
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha ~ Tara Brach
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