For years, when anyone would point out my ineptitude I would try to turn their criticism into a joke. One of my standard replies to having my flaws pointed out was to say, “WOULD I BE WRONG ON PURPOSE?”
It is a good question and worthy of my consideration. What I’m wondering is this: do I do stuff to sabotage myself? I’m not thinking about anyone other than to assume that since I am human, that I may share some characteristic with other humans. At first it seems obvious that I would not be wrong on purpose, because most of us don’t like being wrong, and I torture myself for my wrongs all the time, so why would I invite the wrong and waller (that’s southern for wallow) in self-recrimination, inner condemnation, remorse, guilt, and shame? Being wrong has consequences, and they aren’t the good kind.
Nevertheless, I do think there are times, (never more than 90 percent of the time) when I am wrong on purpose. I sabotage myself because each failure, screw-up, fumble becomes confirmation that I am a flawed damaged being unworthy of a happy life.
I guess I need to read the Book of Job again because when bad stuff happens my first thought is: “There must be a reason this happened. I must have been bad, or sinful, or stupid, or careless, inept and so this bad is my entire fault.”
When I look back over my life I see that I have done things I knew would hurt me, because it would also corroborate the belief I grew up in -- that I was dumb, and idiot, not good enough, and it substantiates my conversion to the almost religious faith in my own unworthiness.
So, seeing this, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist, or even a rock’n’roller to figure out that if I don’t enjoy feeling horrible about myself then I should STOP, I should begin reclaiming my right to life by at least not joining in with the rest of the world in castigating myself for having the audacity to exist. Not sabotaging myself can be my starting place. Not being WRONG ON PURPOSE can be the commitment for this final phase of my life.
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