Becoming A Grouch

Yesterday, my wife said: ”I think I’m going to be one of those woman married to a grouch.” When I asked what she meant she said, “You know, one of those guys that never wants to go anywhere, never wants to do anything, and is just fussy and critical of everyone they meet.”

Usually, when facing an opportunity to have my feelings hurt, I attempt to get logical. I try to consider what truth may be found in the statement that has all that “hurting feelings” potential. Am I a grouch?

I remember once, years after I’d left home, listening to my father saying stuff he thought was funny. He’d come up with all these doorbell sound jokes. He thought up a different front door sound to fit each of his children. My father thought he had captured the essence of each child by the doorbell sound he’d selected for each of us. The way it worked was like this: someone would ring the doorbell of my brother Bob for instance, and Bob’s doorbell sound would be, “I hope you’re the Pizza Guy!” That was supposed to be funny because Bob eats a lot and so what else would a portly middle aged guy want but pizza, right? Or for my extrovert brother Paul, his doorbell sound would be: “Come on in and let’s Par-teeeeeee!” The doorbell my father thought up for me was this: “Someone comes up to tex’s door,” my father said, “they rings the bell and they hear: GO AWAY!”

There was a lot of sibling thigh slapping laughter because my daddy had nailed me, perfectly. My doorbell sound had honed in on my most recognizable trait. That I’m a loner, who would prefer to have no interaction with anyone. Eric Hoffer says that we know ourselves by hear-say. Is Mr. Hoffer right? What I hear from my family is that I’m not just not very friendly, that I don’t like people, that I’d rather be alone.

If one does not understand a person,
one tends to regard him as a fool.

Carl Jung

Was my father making an observation, or was it criticism? Was it intended to be funny, or was it a passive-aggressive way of telling me I’ve been a bad son, because I have such little contact with them?

I have to admit that I took the comments of my father and my wife as negative assessments of my behavior. Whether I mean to or not, I come off as a grouchy, stick in the mud that never wants to do anything, go any where, or enter act with anyone. Is that an accurate assessment of me?

Everything that irritates us
about others can
lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

Carl Jung

If the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) has taught us anything, it has taught us that we are not all alike. We do not all share the same traits, interests, or characteristics. We don’t all think alike. The way we process our experiences can vary dramatically from person to person.

Garrison Keillor has a running gag about shy people. Extravert's may not understand introverts, but it isn’t wrong to be extroverted and it isn’t wrong to be introverted.

Perhaps I take some of these observations about myself as criticism because the words have so often been used in service of negativity. If you are not comfortable being the life of the party are you “unfriendly” or are you “introverted.” If you are quiet in a group are you devoid of thought, do you lack problem solving skills, or might you be reflective, deliberate, and not given to knee jerk responses, or jumping to conclusions?

Is it rude, unkind, or indelicate for people who have a family bond to be critical and blunt about the personality traits of a member of their clan? It is so easy to take offense because criticism implies a need for improvement. A need for improvement implies failure. Failure indicates that one just doesn’t measure up when compared to others. In my mind failure equals loss. A loss makes me a loser. Being a loser means I am not productive, I am not earning my way, that I deserve nothing because I contribute nothing

We cannot change anything unless we
accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.

Carl Jung

Even Myers-Briggs is too restrictive. If you’ve ever taken the Myers-Briggs test you know that as you read the results most people still find stuff that fits them perfectly and stuff that doesn’t fit them all. In a way people are like snowflakes. They are all similar and each one is unique,

I recognize that I am more comfortable alone. This may not be my personality, but a symptom of my mental illness. For most of my life I’ve had very low self esteem , I have been hypersensitive to criticism (even very mild criticism). I am a turtle, more comfortable when I’ve retreated into my shell. It just seems slightly safer inside a shell.