Being Perfect Is a Flaw!

I did that on purpose.

I've said that a lot throughout my life. Let me give an example. I am a poor speller. I blame it on a lot of negative reinforcement that occurred during those years of elementary school where they gave weekly spelling tests. On Thursday there would be a pre-test. If a kid failed the pre-test they had to take the pretest home, and have it signed by a parent. What I remember was being made to write the spelling words like 10 times each, then I was given an oral spelling test, and I got spanked for each word I missed. Then on Friday I took the final spelling test, and if I failed, I had to take the Friday test home for a parental signature.

I got a lot of spankings for spelling poorly. Over time, when I was asked to spell a word I would tense up, my mind would go blank, I would start to sweat, and my hands would tremble. It's better now, but still I tense up. It is odd that I spell so poorly, because I read a lot, and I write more than anyone else I know, but, if it weren't for spell check, I would not share anything thing I have written with anyone.

As an English teacher, if I misspelled something on the board and some kid called me out, I would say, "I did that on purpose. I was just trying to see who was paying attention." That didn't work for long, because I just spelled so badly.

I don't like to make mistakes. [No, that's wrong. I hate to make mistakes. I hate myself when I make mistakes. I'm not satisfied with my efforts unless they are totally and absolutely perfect, and I've never done one thing perfectly in my entire life.]

Why would I want to be perfect? Because I feel like if I'm not perfect I am worthless. There is no middle ground with me. I can't seem to allow myself to be good enough, or OK. I'm either perfect, or God is wasting air on me.

So this is what I'm working on: I want to feel OK with myself just the way I am. I already know in my brain that it is unrealistic to expect myself or anyone else to be perfect. It's not my thinking that is the problem it is transforming logic into feeling.