Not Answers QUESTIONS!

“Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when every one has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;... In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming
perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.”
Soren Kierkegaard.

I read about this experiment done to a dog. The dog was placed in a divided box. There was a short wall that divided the box into two equal parts, but the outer walls were so tall that the dog could not jump out of the box, only from one side to the other.

The floor on each side of the box was wired so that the experimenter could electrify one side or the other with the flip of a switch.

The experiment when like this: the observer would flip the switch, the dog would be uncomfortably (but not fatally) electrocuted and the dog would jump over the short wall to the other side of the box to escape the electric shock. After the dog settled down and felt safe in the new side of the box, the observer would flip a different switch and electrify the floor on the side the dog has newly occupied.

This process would continue, and gradually the time between shocks was narrowed. What they found is that eventually the dog just stopped trying to escape the electric shock. The dog learned that no matter what he did he was going to get shocked. After this realization came to the dog the dog would just lay on the electrified floor and accept the electric shocks.

The study called this Learned Helplessness.

I feel like that dog. I have tried to improve my life, advocate for my own wants and needs, and to seek relief and escape pain, but after 59 years of this, I have learned that I am not going to be OK. I have learned that despite my efforts I am always going to be UNaccepted just as I am. I am incapable of being OK through my own efforts. I am made out of defective stuff.

For me, the journey into myself resembles a bug in the tub circling the drain. I go around, and then through and then down into the darkness, where I feel trapped in an illusion that was woven around me starting at birth, and the weavers never take a holiday.

The thing is, I just don’t think I can get answers until I know the content of the questions. Here are the questions I seek to answer:

What do I really want? [Not what I think I want, but what I really/actually
want.]

What brings me joy?

Why do I feel the way I do?

What are my fears?

Who has wounded me?

Whom have I injured?

How do I cope with regret?

Do I need to have enemies?

Do my needs make me selfish?

Is there anything wrong with being selfish?

How do I forgive?

Whom and what will I love?

Is it important for me to address issues of sexuality?

If sexuality is important, then how should I express my sexuality?

Do I have a right to occupy space in the world?

Do humans have “gifts”?

If humans have gifts then what are my gifts?

What have I sacrificed to win the approval of other people?

Have my sacrifices ever won the approval of other people?

What advantages or benefits do I enjoy by having the approval of other people?

What would have to happen for me to feel like I mattered, that I have value?

Are there things to which I have blinded myself?

Have I disowned my power?

Have I limited, or denied my potential?

Is there ever a time when it is OK to give up, to stop trying, to be resigned to my
circumstances?

Would seeking answers to these questions change my life, or change my attitudes towards my life in positive, beneficial ways?